I have this odd looking "chocolate pom pom" fish. Really she's just an ugly brown colored goldfish with such tiny pom poms that it seems silly to call her a pom pom goldfish. I don't even know if it's a female. I just call her "her" because..well just because. Her name is Renee (French for queen). She is the queen too. All of the other fish have avoided her like the plague except for the past few months.

For the past few months the silly fish has had this tumor aproximately twice the size of her brain growing out of one of her pom poms. That tumor has been source of sick entertainment for me. My mother pleaded with me to put her out of her misery. My friends shrieked, hurled, and burst out into laughter at the sight of it. One dear friend would not go into the same room unless she was tired and already tipsy. Yes, I think reactions like these are enormously funny.

There was only one reaction that upset me. I bet you can guess which it was. My mother's response to the tumor annoyed me not because she felt that it would be a more humane way to deal with such an unsightly deformity but because it was to ease her comfort and not the fish's. Hmmm.

I immediatey responded that yes things with tumors should be put out of their misery. She agreed, " Your grandfaher would never let an animal suffer like that". Hunh.

Humane- kind, tender, merciful.

She didn't get my subtlety. She didn't realize my sensitivity with all things aflicted with tumors these days. Nor could she ever admit to any grievous behavior. So my tart retort went unanswered. With her you don't compare my human growth with a fish growth. It's unfathomable.

Now with my tumor cut out and healing up fine, I think. We will now discuss my beautiful, ugly fish. The morning after the going away party for my tata, I went down to feed the fish. I shrieked not out of disgust but amazement! Well. There was some disgust in it. I do have to admt that. About half of the tumor was hanging on by a thread to the other half of the tumor. I like yucky things, but this was seriously gross. Nothing to see here folks, so I went about my day as usual. In the evening I noticed it fell off. Eww. Don't look. Don't look. Don't look. I removed the thing, and reported to the family that we were going to eat it for dinner. Of course PinkZilla and Personal Assistant know my sense of humor and knew we were not going to be eating stir fry a la Growth of Renee. We all laughed, and I secretly worried about our mental health.

The next morning was Saturday or HomeDay as my Pinkie calls it. We had no where to go, so arising from bed is always a lttle slower than other days (except sunday..silly religious folk). "How is that fish doing?", I thought to myself. I got up walked down to the tank and squealed again. The rest of it was sunk down onto the floor of the tank and Renee was swimming around like she owned the world while the other fish tried to hide behind the sparse vegetation. If she had a soundtrack it would probably consist of Singing in the Rain songs.

"Good Morning. Good Morning. It's great to be awake. Good Morning. Good morning to you!"

I however still could not look at "it". I got rid of it. You might wonder how this "Miracle" was performed right in the middle of this atheist/agnostic/pagan's (can't decide) home. Well, I'll tell you sister. I found a cure. Yes, a cure right in my neighborhood pet store. Natural fixative straght from this great green planet, bottled up, and bought by yours truly for 6.99 US dollars.

Please when you read this think of "Oh Brother Where art Thou". You see the accents of bible thumping Southerns are prevalent in the events of my life at the moment. Now back to My Story not Renee's...well I'm not sure who's story:

I told my mother about the tumor falling off. She asks me how it happened. I told her about the medication made from an extraction of an aquatic plant that acts as an antifungal for fish life. She didn't listen. What she heard me say was something like this:

This Miraculous food extracted from God's good plants ( food suppliments that she has guilt tripped me into, that are marketed basically as a cure all and that as a dutiful daughter I have agreed to to go along with it) has done the miraculous that even these doctors(salesmen) have not foreseen and healed my fish of her cancer! Praise God for what it's doing for me!

Oye. Oiy. Aye, my aching tit. No. After I explained to her that I used a product designed for tanklife, I still had to sit through another "yes all of our answers lie in nature" sermon. Um. Ten years ago she was telling me that tofu and the health and wellness industry was a conspiracy of the New Age Movement! I'm still quaking in fear of people asking crystals and tarot cards for enlightenment. Love my folks to death . Can't do a damn thing for 'em though.

Now on to my fish and me. We're both healing. I am a bit jealous of her though. One of my poms was removed and I still have to sit through chemo. She just had yucky tasting water for a week, AND she gets to keep her pom. Lucky fish.