I was nervous and embarrassed about my shaved head. I still don't like males staring at me. That happened this morning at a gas station where there were swarming landscapers and contactors. PA was kind and told me I was still beautiful when he noticed my reaction to the situation.

Later in the morning I took a shower. I now have less hair than my last boyfriend. I'm going to have PA bic it when PA gets home. It's funny cuz now even though I cried about the cancer, I have more confidence about the hair (scalp) thing. It's true. Baldness can be liberating and strangely beautiful. I kind of like it.

It's obvious that I have the esteem of a lowly worm, and I used my hair as a security blanket to shield me from (supposed) looks and judging of folk that don't mean a damn thing in my life. Silly goose that I am. In my younger years I found shocking behavior hilarious, but as an adult I didn't want to be looked at by anyone. Now I'm going to test myself even more. I will have to find my worth and beauty without some of the things that women make worthy (beautiful).

I don't like saying that but deep down or even at the surface we all have to acknowledge the societal temperaments towards "accepted" beauty. I'm not talking about personal preference, but generalized attitudes even the most stout hearted people can unwittingly take to heart and mind.

I think everyone of you is gorgeous. I don't flatter and can't stand insincerity. I don't like sameness. I get bored easily. Thank Goddess ya'll are different. Goddesses and Queens. You know there's a few fellas I have to acknowledge as well. Mazel Tav to you all!

This time around it's not so bad. My DOCTOR said if this round doesn't go right then he's going to scrap the whole thing. That's even scarier. That being said. I've only had to take nausea meds once today. It's been almost 12 hours. Phew! I think the doc and (s)mother are right. It's stress causing all of this extra sickness. So, I handed the birds to my neighbors, and a lovely lady took the smaller chihuahua in for a few months. I can't get rid of my walking sausage. I need her. Now all I have left are the fish, one dog, 2 kids, a garden, and an assooze (his days are days numbered). I can do this. I just need patience. Maybe some wine (not from Pinkie...from grapes).

The last time I wrote a comment I had to type "waxseu" so the comment would get logged. I think the fellas working this site are funny.

For the first time in a very long time I have no PinkZilla for a Friday or any night for that matter. I'm almost beside myself.

Happy Mother's Day, Momma Goddesses!

I'm hairy. At least I let myself go to see how hairy I could get. It's pretty hairy. I was actually afraid to shave anything for fear of slight nicks turning into ghastly infected sores. I'm slightly paranoid right now.

Has anyone ever waxed their pubes? You know how it hurts like an MFer? Well, with this you don't feel anything. That's a plus. Right? That the one good thing about chemo is that I won't have to shave, pluck, trim, or wax anything! It just falls out with a slight tug from a comb or a finger. I was mesmerized today in the shower. The process has already started. I was told to expect it on the 17th day, but I was also told that if I get sick at all it'd be the day after the treatment. So go figure. I'm getting this early too.

Wow. What will my cranium look like? Pumpkin? Pinhead? Charlie Brown? Sloth (Goonies)? I'm kind of excited that I'll be able to turn geeks on now. Geeks not nerds or dorks. There is a difference even if it's small. I'll just tell them that I have an affection for the VGER lady in that Startrek movie, and watch the trekkies quiver. Goddess, that's sad way to get a jolly but I need fun too.

I'm still on the look out for a henna arteest to design my scalp. So if you hear of any please let me know. I don't know how long the balding will take, but it won't be long now.

I completely forgot that I had the menstruation talk with my kids yesterday. Wow. That was an easy hurdle. Easier than telling my paranoid, knows-too-much-cuz-I-let-him-watch-the-news Zilla that his momma has cancer. Whew! That was an emotional stinker of a conversation!

Now if they could put the "Purpose of Boy Parts/Girls Parts" and "Women Make More Blood & Menstrate So We Can Procreate" conversations together then I don't have to fully explain the baby making process! Ha ha. No "Babies in Bellies" images for me! Yes, I have my limits. It stopped at two.

I have never thought that getting an animal stoned or drunk was funny. It's slightly sick. I do know of animals that steal beer or wine, but to purposefully get them silly is just kinda wrong. If it happens on accident though...It can end up with some pretty funny results.

So we all know I'm chemo. (Blah blah get on with it) I didn't realize how sick I would get on this shit. I don't like taking meds for any reason. So this is a true lesson of how to put away my stubborn side and allow for some comfort. I'm all about comfort now. And it's only been 1 week. So meds natural or not are being consumed. I thought that maybe I'd have to be wary of Personal Assistant what with his love of meds natural or not. I found that he was not my biggest problem.

I have an adorable chihuahua/toy pincer mix. She's brown/tan colored and shaped like a large sausage or football complete with itty-bitty legs for running and a tiny tiny muzzle for LOUD yipping and pointless nipping. She is my constant companion (borderline stalker), guard dog, and vacuum cleaner. I apologize to each of my friends who have felt her wrath.

"Chika" is a binge eater. If she can't find food she will eat paper, toiletpaper, paper towels, etc. She has been known to scarf down the eyes, noses, and insides of my children's much beloved but very vulnerable stuff animals. This time she headed for another item. One that holds more importance than any sentimental toy could offer at this moment in the 4 house.

I was on my way out to work when I decided I should probably put the meds out of reach of any curious child. Like that was important because they stay away from my stuff anyways. I just had a feeling. I went to my nightstand and looked...all over...my room...hmm. Damn fucking mutt. I walked into Pinkie's room and looked under her bed, Chika's favorite munchie hideout. I found a tiny corner of wrapper from one of my natural meds. That sausage with legs ate one! wrapper and all! OOOOO! I'm gonna shish kabob that dog one day!

I hobble downstairs (no energy, lots of nausea, on chemo) and start to walk out the door when I notice she's sitting in a sunny spot in the dining room looking very out of sorts. "Serves you right, damn dog." I hobble off to work. Dumb. I should have stayed not just because my co-worker said I looked like shit, not because I felt like shit, but because my dog through my negligence was WAY too fucked up to be left alone! Priorities? Where are they?

I got home and was greeted by the ever energetic Chile with jumps and yips and licks, while from Chika I received a rather shaky head nod. Stoned bulgy-eyed dogs that can barely keep their eyes open are hilarious. I let them out like a good owner, but like a bad owner without their leashes. Chika quickly sprawled out literally in the middle of the road. She looked like road kill. She only batted an eye when I picked her up and plopped her down by the front door. From there the Regal Sentinal of the neighborhood could only jiggle her head a bit, stand up on two front legs, and then immediately drop back down to her place on the ground. She was like his for the whole day. I would intermittantly curse her admidst my giggling at her.

I had been wondering how to cure her of her indulgent eating habits, and I think that this might be the way. I just hope that she did actually learn HER lesson and stops trying to eat every little thing she can get a hold of. That's the intellectual side of me. The other side of me is still cursing her especially when I'm sitting next to the toilet losing my cookies or having a hard time stomaching a bowl of Rice Krispees.