Last night I almost felt that holiday cheer I keep hearing about. You know the one that consists of sugar plum fairies, bright shiny packages, and cut down trees. It takes great while for that Christmasy feeling to enter my crusty soul. It almost got there. I wrapped presents, and that usually puts me in the mood. The problem was I wanted the kids to experience a KC Christmas, so we went to Crown Center and the Plaza.
Don't ever do this on a Saturday night. I knew it was going to be bad when the traffic around that area was clogged worse than my pooper mid-chemo. Crown Center was packed, and I had no liquor to calm my anti-social, anti-ultra-American-Consumerism tendencies.
Not only the crowd bothered my sensitive nerves. There is a ginormous Christmas cone thing that dangles from the ceiling. What could possibly be more Christmasy than a 2 ton tree covered with ornaments hovering menacingly over your head as you eat? It reminded me of the pressure to make every Christmas the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER. Do it or the tree will smash you flatter than crepe suzette. Merry Christmas.
We escaped there with only candy. That was good. However leaving the place was about as painful as pooping mid-chemo. It took ten full minutes to exit the parking garage. I'm claustrophobic. I hate parking garages especially ones made before my time on this planet and are made for people shorter than 5 ft tall.
Now it's 7:17 pm. It takes maybe ten minutes to get from Crown Center to the Blahza if you hit every light imaginable. We got there at 7:49 pm. Every fucking Christmas fanatic was out there doing the exact same thing. And on top of it a few morons were causing wrecks to slow up the hell of driving thru The Blahza even more. Another ten minutes and we got away from there with only skirting the outside of The Blahza.
I mentioned I had no liquor, right? The kids were all hopped up on sugar. The sound in the back seat was deafening. Ahh Christmas carols sang by chillins who love 'em but don't know the lyrics.
I'm proud of myself. I cussed other drivers by using only a few profanities. We got home, watched Spongebob, pet the pooch, and I drank a bottle of wine. It ended up good. But I still wish I was Jewish.
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3 comments:
Even if you were Jewish, you would still have LOTS of holidaze to scar you and even worse songs for your chilluns to howl out at the top of their lungs. Maybe Jehovah's Witness is the way to go.
Merry Chrismahanukwanzika to you!
I have always wished I were Jewish too!
On Brothers and Sisters last night they celebrated both holidays, even though the whole family is secular humanist anyway.
I think I'll get a menorah. It's a beatiful ritual and with a great story.
I used to work at Banana Republic on The Blahza. During Christmas. I drove there every night.
I feel your pain.
'Nuff said.
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